Viewing entries tagged
creepy

How to creep out two grown men in broad daylight

Want to creep out a couple of grown men in broad daylight in the lobby of a busy high-rise office building?

Start by making it a normal day. Our hero, Kevin, has pulled into his usual parking spot. He's decided to take the skywalk today, because humidity is high and though he does love his skin to glow he prefers to keep the natural ooze to a minimum. As he passes security—hip-looking leather laptop bag over his shoulder, cool neck tie, untucked shirt, dark jeans with the cuffs turned up, off-white Converse Chucks, strut in his walk—he's feeling pretty good about the morning. It's a new day. New challenges ahead. New opportunities to spread a nice sheen of awesome over the receptive sliced bread of the folks he works with.

Enter an associate, a guy Kevin has seen before, nodded to briefly, but hasn't had the chance to chat with much. The two, in the groove of routine, round the corner from lobby to elevator banks—and stop. 

Every elevator, on either side, eight in total, is standing with doors wide open. 

Our hero and his associate stand perfectly still, stare, wonder. Should we run? Should we step cautiously forward? "That's not creepy or anything," Kevin finally says, and the trance is broken.  

Time for action, consequences be damned!

They step into the elevator with the indicator light glowing above it. In retrospect, following the light may not have been the wisest choice. But at the time, it seemed the more reasonable move.  The light, they can trust. The light is their guide. The light leads upward.

Doors close. Two men chuckle nervously. Elevator rises. And, as they make idle chatter, the ping of reaching their floor is heard and both exit, smiling sheepishly, agreeing in their silent nods never to speak of this incident again. 

The day continues. 

Or. Does. It? 

Yes it does. 


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Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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i'm way less creepy in digital

You don't normally consider the arrows that make the elevator go up and down. Nature is beautifulSo I’m learning that people are OK with digital quips, but are freaked the hell out when they happen in real life.

I’m totally quipped. Which is a pun, and is in fact funny, if only to me. But it also means that I happen to be very good with quipping it out in public, especially online. Also a pun. Also hilarious to me.

I’m kind of a “reactive” comic. If you give me something to work with, I love to take it and make it funny. Or funnier. Some of you folks are hilarious all by yourselves. You … you need help. Not you, the other you.

On Twitter or Facebook, in blogs or emails, that plays out great. But I tend to do the same thing in everyday conversation with actual, three-dimensional people, and that tends to be a lot more hit-or-miss. 

Today I was getting on an elevator, and being a nice guy who happened to be raised by my grandmother, I stood aside to let three women get on before me. As they were passing through, the doors began to close, and they had to push against them (I helped, awkwardly). They survived, FYI. Barely any limbs were severed.

Once they were aboard, I popped through and the door closed pretty quick behind me. The three women were sort of freaked about the near-door-mashing situation, and one of them “joked” that it could have killed them. And it was at that moment that I said, “That’s why I let you guys go first. This elevator has an appetite for human flesh.” 

If you’re Kevin, you are laughing hysterically on the inside right now. If you’re three women on an elevator with Kevin, you’re looking at him with horror, and expression that says, “You KNEW?!?” 

Why, WHY is it not acceptable to end your statements with “LOL” when you’re speaking aloud? I feel like we need some kind of verbal indicator of humor here. You can’t just laugh, you know. That just makes you sound maniacal and insane, especially when you’re in a tight, enclosed space with three women who think you may actually have tried to sacrifice them to a possessed and hungry elevator. 

LOL.

See? That says “I’m kidding” in a fun, whimsical, abbreviated way. And only slightly creepy and disturbing, which is all you can ask for, really.


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Tip in any amount you like, safely and securely via PayPal (no PayPal account requred). And thank you in advance for your generosity!


____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
____________________________________________________________

BECOME A SLINGER

Get updates on new books, new posts, and new podcasts, plus be the first to hear about special offers and giveways. And pants jokes. Lots and lots of pants jokes.