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squirrel hunting

Office Survival: A real man's sport

You know those instant soup packets that offices keep around so their employees can have a few calories in them when they have no time to get away from their desks? I just ate two of those for breakfast. This is why I hate working out of client offices from time to time. I like working from coffee shops and cafes, where I can order an actual meal when I'm hungry.

Still, there's something to be said for subsisting on beef broth and reconstituted noodles. It makes you feel like someone living off of the land. I could wrestle a grizzly bear right now, I am that awesome.

Which makes me think that I should invent a new sport called "Office Survival." The rules are that you have to survive using only the things you find around a typical office. I'm talking fishing in the company's salt-water aquarium using a paperclip and a line made of bent staples. Hunting for squirrels with a spear made from rolled-up motivational posters wrapped in Scotch tape. Drinking water from the cooler using nothing but your cupped hands.

Living off of the land is nothing. Living among ergonomic office furniture and fake plants is a real challenge.

I expect phone calls from reality show producers any minute now.

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Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at


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