Viewing entries tagged
Super Bowl

People on TV don't watch TV. Jerks.

I watch too much TV. I know I should be focusing my "other eight hours" on things that move my dreams forward, like practicing my floor mat routine for the Olympics, or meeting more ninjas. Instead, I tend to spend a few hours each night watching other people do that stuff instead.

And you know what millions of hours of keen observation have revealed to me? None of those people is sitting around watching TV.

I mean, yes, they do sometimes watch TV. Usually it's the Super Bowl, and they're trying to find a place to watch it because the cable is out and the wife's Tupperware party is that same night, and the best friend fell for a scam and bought an oven door from a guy in a parking lot who told him it was a flatscreen TV. But what they don't do is spend the whole episode staring vacantly, with ketchup on their chin and a plate covered in used and wadded up paper towels, sitting in their lap.

No, they go off and do things. They go camping and have crazy adventures. They take a cruise and have crazy adventures. They go to dude ranches and have crazy adventures. And they eventually watch the Super Bowl in the bar they frequent every episode, where everybody knows their name.

And they make me feel bad.

Because I want to do that stuff too, but I somehow lack the lovable, trouble-making side kick who is always buying bulk travel packages on failing cruise lines. My wife doesn't get wild ideas about starting an adult-themed candy business in the basement (which I also do not have). And no one seems to care about my catch phrase, "Now that's what I  call Kevinated!"

But maybe I'd have that stuff if I stopped watching TV so much. It's a radical idea, I know. Especially now that TV isn't really "TV" anymore, but an app that lets me keep up with all the latest goings-on of the Dunphy/Pritchett clan.

I propose we all become troublemakers for each other, and go on our own crazy adventures. Reality is harsh, but we can get through it together! Now ... who's going to write and record the theme song? And where do I buy a basement?

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Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at


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