Viewing entries tagged
humor

The secret to being intriguing

The secret to being intriguing

Sometimes the message we hold back is the one people want to read the most. 


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Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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Google+ for some reason

Google+ for some reason

I don't get Google+.


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Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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.2, my old enemy, we meet again

For the past three weeks I've gotten up nearly every day to exercise. I play "beat the week." The rules are, if I can get up and exercise at least four days out of the week, I beat the week. If I don't, the week beat me. So far, for three weeks running, I have kicked the week's butt. 

Along with the exercising, I've started tracking what I eat and keeping my calorie count down. Really it's about eating better. More veggies, less processed sugar, that sort of thing. And that's going well, too. I've had a slip or two, but nothing I couldn't recover from.  

And the weight is coming off. But there's where things get screwy. 

OK, here are the numbers, and I know how bad they can seem, so cut me some slack for my honesty, OK? But when I started this, I weighed in at 278. 

Yeesh. Just looking at that makes me want to throw up. But the good news is that in a very short time I've managed to drop into the 260s. Yesterday I weighed in at a svelte 266 even. I was pretty happy with that. Not only had I cracked the 10 pound barrier, I'd beaten it by two whole pounds! 

That was good enough motivation for me to get my butt out bed again this morning and beat the week, good and proper. I went and did my thing, and felt strong doing it. Where I had suffered all week to "get back into the groove" after the holiday weekend, this morning I was more energetic, more spry, more fit. And after my workout, just as I have done every day for the past three weeks, I stepped on the scale. 

I saw the 268 pop up, and I was devastated.

More than devastated, I was furious! Two pounds! I had gained two pounds in just 24 hours? What's the deal here? Who's pulling something? Who do I beat up? 

And then, in the last second, just as my weight was "finalized," an extra .2 popped up to give me an extra bit of kick to the groin. 

I gained 2 pounds and 2 ounces in 24 hours.

I know, I know ... it isn't unusual. It depends on what you've eaten, whether or not you're retaining water, maybe the pull of the moon—all kinds of crazy factors. Still, I could have lived with the fluctuating 2 pounds. I get it. But it's that extra .2 that really wasn't called for. 

I'll keep it up, and this will happen maybe 20 times more over the next copule of months. But whatever—I'm doing this and it's making me feel much better. Sooner or later the serious poundage will start falling off, and that will make it all worth it. 

And that .2, my old enemy, will rue the day it crossed me.

 


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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Pants under there. It's personal.

UPDATE—I've moved tons of back content now. So this post is the official "first" post, but you can enjoy all the past wholesome goodness by digging through archived links. DO SO.

It's just me in here.

I write a lot. It's a thing I do. And the books and blogs you find on this site are all the result of that writing a lot. You're welcome.

I have two blogs on this site at the moment. The first is Intended Life, which is where I write about what I learn daily as a Christian, about leading and living the life God intended for us, and getting more out of life in the process. That's me being grateful for the gifts God has given me. I love that blog. And it evolved out of my "everything" blog, almost with no planning on my part. So some of the older entries would probably be better here (I'll work on moving those).

The second blog is Life is Marketing. This is more about using marketing and business strategy to improve your life and your career. In this spot I drop interviews, tips and tricks, books, podcasts, and a bunch of other stuff that has helped me and so I believe it can help you. It's kind of new (sort of ... again, there's content in the old "everything" blog that I should move over).

And then there's me.

I'm not left out in the cold or anything. I quip and joke on Facebook and get some serious kudos and feedback, but I'm not as "discoverable" there, and so I'm not entirely meeting one of my goals. I want my work to educate, but I also want it to entertain. So here we are. Just me and you, with barely some pixels between us. Rowrr.

I'm probably crazy for taking on one more blog, but I can't help myself. I need an outlet for the stuff that's in my brain, and this is it. I've tried doing the "One blog to rule them all" thing, putting everything in one place and hoping readers love all of it. But that doesn't work. Everyone who does blogging successfully knows that doesn't work. So I'm breaking up the band. Or, actually, I'm breaking up the content. 

Go to those blogs for inspiration, spirituality, career and business advice, and the more practical stuff. Stick it out here for the funny, the absurd, the bizarre, the uncomfortably personal.

I can't wait to see how it all turns out, can you? Hello? Is this thing on? I swear, it's like writing to myself most of the time.


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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what people think I do - part 5

#5

"Sometimes the things you write are so random," she said.
"Whoa ... where'd THAT come from?"
[pause]
"Where'd WHAT come from?"


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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please subscribe

This is one of those useful phrases that no one really seems to appreciate in everyday, casual conversation about their day.


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
____________________________________________________________

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What people think I do - Part 1 & Part 2

Two recent conversations about writing for a living:

#1
"So what do you do for a living," she asked.

"I'm a writer."
"Oh! What have you written?"
"I have a few science fiction novels, and I make a living as a copywriter."
(long pause)
"Oh. Is it expensive to get a copyright?"
(shorter pause)
"No."

 #2
"Hey, you're a writer," she said.

"You can't prove that," I replied.
[pause]
"You ARE, aren't you?"

 


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
____________________________________________________________

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Pure genius

True confession ... I've reposted this like three times.


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
____________________________________________________________

BECOME A SLINGER

Get updates on new books, new posts, and new podcasts, plus be the first to hear about special offers and giveways. And pants jokes. Lots and lots of pants jokes.








The road to hell ...

No raccoons were harmed in the making of this card. They were harmed before I made the card. Then they were painted over. Then made the subject of a funny and irreverant card that you can pass around to friends. Send one to PETA.


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
____________________________________________________________

BECOME A SLINGER

Get updates on new books, new posts, and new podcasts, plus be the first to hear about special offers and giveways. And pants jokes. Lots and lots of pants jokes.








happy pants cards?

I say stuff. And sometimes I make pictures of stuff. And I admit, I'm my biggest fan. So I thought I might start posting some of this stuff here (and let's face it ... Facebook). I'm going to call these "happy pants cards." And you will like them, or I will come after you with a spoon. That's right ... feel the terror.

Here's an hpc now!

 

Here's another:

Is this worth it? Should I keep doing this? Won't someone PLEASE VALIDATE ME? My ego ... so fragile ... need ... adoration ...


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
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35 beats per minute

About a year-and-a-half ago I went into a doctor's office thinking I had a bad chest cold.

The thing is, I'm not the "go to the doctor" type. In fact, I pretty much never see a doctor unless something is hanging off of me that would better serve me by being attached, or copious amounts of "inside fluids" are suddenly becoming "outside fluids." So for me to even consider going in for a chest cold should tell you that I had more than the sniffles and a bit of congestion. Think in terms of absolute lethargy, an inability to exert myself for more than a few minutes at a time, and an impending sense of doom.

The big surprise for me was when they checked my pulse and found that it was around 35 beats per minute.

"Yeah, my heart rate has always been low," I said, nonchalantly-in-complete-and-utter-denial.

"Are you an Olympic-class athlete?" my doctor asked.

"Not unless fried chicken is an competitive event."

"Then we have a problem, Mr. Tumlinson."

"Please," I said, "call me Ishmael."

OK, no, I didn't say that. I may have thought it, though. But at that moment, I think I was more focused on the "problem." An excruciating bit of worry started to chew at my insides. But on the plus side, my heart rate and blood pressure "shot up" to near normal levels. Now all I'd have to do is live under complete and continuous stress and I'd have a perfectly healthy amount of energy and vigor. Clearly no harm there.

The short version of this story is this: After some stress tests, EKGs, ultrasounds and blood work it was determined that I was absolutely, positively fine. Except for the heretofore undiagnosed congenital heart defect which was causing an ever-worsening bradycardia (gradual slowing of the heart) as I aged, and would eventually lead to my death, probably within the next few months.

The solution was for me, at 37 years old, to go under the knife and have a pacemaker installed. I was apparently "batteries not included."

For the next year or so I recovered from the surgery and started to get my strength and stamina up. It was a slow process, and in many ways it is still ongoing. But I did manage, in that time, to drop about 30 pounds, to stop wheezing when I took a flight of stairs, and to actually become a bit more active and energetic. Times were gettin' good.

More energy is great. A bit of weight loss is great. But I still have moments where I feel a bit exhausted and lethargic, and I still have a good 20 or 30 pounds of extra "me" hanging over my belt. I'm not as "out of the woods" as I'd really like to be. So that's why I've started being more active.

I do not do gyms. They're a blatant rip-off, frankly. Most want you to sign some ridiculous contract that auto-renews with or without your permission, obligating you to an auto-draft of an exorbitant monthly rate for the occasional use of their facilities, which are nice and clean and sometimes very modern, but still a place you have to force yourself to attend. Most  gyms, as well, require you to have a credit card on file, with or without a contract. I still don't get the "give me your credit card, we have no contract" gyms. I have the sneaky suspicion that they are paying for porn while I'm sweating and grunting in another room. And that just ain't fair. I can't compete with that.

I prefer to get my workout from things I actually find fun and engaging. Or at the very least the activities have to make some kind of sense to me.

If I'm going to run, I want to get some place and maybe see a bit of nature and God's creation sprawling out around me, as opposed to running on a treadmill for an hour watching a sub-titled soap opera on a hanging television screen. If I'm going to ride a bike, I want to have the reward of zipping past joggers and people working in their lawns and dodging the spray of lawn sprinklers, as opposed to dodging the rain of sweat flinging from the grunting guy on the treadmill next to me. And if I'm going to lift weights, I'd rather hoist my own hefty butt up the side of a rock wall or over a boulder, as opposed to laying in a pool of some other guy's funk while I push a metal bar up and down, over and over, mostly praying it doesn't slip and crush my windpipe.

Call me a radical hippie.

The thing is, even though I've always liked the whole "the world is my gym" attitude, I've been stupidly lax about actually getting out there and using it. Until now.

Recently I've started taking on some new challenges. I've started rock climbing. I bought a bike and I ride most mornings. I've started walking and sprinting. I'm slowly adding more and more actual activity to my lifestyle.

It is kicking my butt. I may need some kind of intervention.

The truth is, I'm enjoying the things I'm getting into, and I'm seeing some positive results. I'm not getting the svelte, slender body I was hoping for, but then I'm not as consistent as I should be, I tend to fall off the wagon on keeping my calorie intake low, and I've only been doing this for a couple of months. Lifestyle changes ... they're so friggin' slow.

One thing that annoys me is when people say, "It took you 38 years to get into the condition you're in now. Just think about it that way."

This is an invitation for a savage beating.

OK, maybe not. I do understand that these folks mean well, and they're trying to be encouraging. And I do my best to take it that way. But the truth is, this being fat and lazy thing didn't happen to me over a span of decades. I was actually in very good shape right up until my late 20s. Which, perhaps coincidentally, is about the time my doctors think my heart started slowing to the point of causing me some issues. So the reality of my life is that in a relatively short period of time I went from slim and fit to fat and lazy. I'd say the responsibility for that was 60% heart, 30% fried chicken, and 10% natural-born laziness.

No excuses.

I'm working on lifestyle changes these days. I learn things, I try things, I succeed, I fail, I try again. I'm looking for activities and relationships that get me out there in the world, staying fit by having a blast. I'm looking at getting to the point where I play so hard I don't even recognize it as exercise anymore.

So, in a lot of ways, getting a pacemaker is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a second chance. And the only requirement, the only responsibility I have to live up to, is "do something."

I can do that.


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____________________________________________________________
Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at kevintumlinson.com/starterlibrary.
____________________________________________________________

BECOME A SLINGER

Get updates on new books, new posts, and new podcasts, plus be the first to hear about special offers and giveways. And pants jokes. Lots and lots of pants jokes.