Today I go in for my fifty-thousand mile checkup. You know the one. "Mr. Tumlinson ... this may pinch a bit."

The last time I had a physical I was greeted by a tiny Asian man who entered the room while pulling on a white rubber glove.

"Herro. I am Dr. Wong. And you," *SNAP* "you rill not reave here arive."

Ok, I added that last part. But the effect was the same.

So today I find out why the heck every joint on the right side of my body pops. One day I'm going to be walking along, hear a series of snaps, and half my body will fall in pieces on the ground. Then where will I be? Probably laying on my left side wondering how to reattach a femur.

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about today. For one thing, it's been double digits since the last time I saw a doctor. For another, there's that whole fear of "what if they find something wrong with me?" I have insurance now, but I don't trust the bastards. Hey ... I've seen "Sicko!" Maybe I should hop a boat to Cuba and get some good ol' Communist medicine.

Anyway, I'm off. Wish me luck. And for those playing at home, you should wince and grimace at around 8:15a.m.

By the way ... don't forget to Mental Floss!

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Kevin Tumlinson is the author of numerous novels, novellas, and non-fiction books, and the host of the Wordslinger Podcast. Try three of his best books for free when you download his starter library at


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